I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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