Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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