i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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