I wish they made helmets for livers.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
