happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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