K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
