Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
