She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
