There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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