I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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