I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
