i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
