I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
