I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
