Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
