she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
