I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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