DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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