Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
