Jerry, you need to find god
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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