and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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