I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
