WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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