I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
