it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
