I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
