Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize