Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
