Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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