Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
