Don't make out with my wife yet
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
