Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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