Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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