I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
