Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Michael Bay diarrhea
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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