Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
