I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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