can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
