Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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