you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
