I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
