We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
this is an emotional support booty call
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
