i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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