My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
