ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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