WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
