Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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