I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
