She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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