Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Let's get the cat blown out
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
