The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
