Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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