im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
