Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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