my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
