The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
