I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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