Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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