Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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