there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
