Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
