You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
