I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
