he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize