My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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