Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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