if i can run in heels then i can drive
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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