Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
