Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm like, not good at living.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize