I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
