First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
